Everyday Insane

Thankful

2008-02-06T17:44:00.000-05:00

I've been continuously cheating on my blog over at flickr. I just can't help it! Since I've started my 365, it has allowed me to tap into my creative side again, which I have missed so much. I haven't been able to do any sort of art since I got out of college due to my old girlfriend not liking the place getting messy, which was what I was good at. I am pretty broke right now, so I figured I'd take advantage of my digital camera and make art through that instead of paint. When I do have enough money, I'm going to get some nice paints and canvases and get to work since I've found myself with the time and space to do it.
I have been bored out of my freaking mind for the past few days. The Cop and I got in a car accident on the way back from Maine last Friday. He was driving and he hit a puddle which sent us hydroplaning from the right light of the highway to the very left lane while doing circles. We ended up facing oncoming traffic, but luckily after we hit the median we bounced into the far left lane so no one was traveling in it. I got a little banged up in it, the Cop is fine, thank God, and so I've just been laying low with my pain meds, muscle relaxers, and vertigo-stoppers... which, haven't been working. I really don't see the sense in prescribing a med that is supposed to help with vertigo (aka severe dizziness) when the side effects are even more dizziness. It's supposed to be helping, but instead I need to hold onto walls in order to get to one room to another while trying not to puke. Great, eh? Actually, I'm really not complaining because it could have been far worse. I am thankful that we took his truck instead of my puny Ford Focus that would have probably left us being air lifted to a local hospital. His truck had minimal damage although we couldn't drive it home, and I'd rather have severe neck and back strains than be in slings or worse. So, now that all of it is said and done, I am truly grateful that we are both ok. It really has made me pause and think many times in the past few days that I am lucky to have what I do have and I'm so very glad that I continue to volunteer at a place where the people I work with aren't so lucky because they have lost that husband, father, or mother and they can't get them back. I'll be holding onto the Cop a lot tighter from now on, that's for sure.

Hallelujah!

2008-01-31T18:14:00.000-05:00

I *finally* got rid of my apartment! I am so freakin' excited, you have no idea. I've been trying to get rid of it since November. When I decided to leave my girlfriend and move in with Cop, I figured it would be swooped up in no time and I wouldn't have to see it, be in it, or think about it ever again... which was the exact opposite of what actually happened. I've had countless people come in, look around, and peace out... never to be heard from again. I never thought it'd be so hard to get rid of it, and I really don't know why it took so long, because it's so freakin' cute. I'm glad its over with. I've been counting down the days until the 1st and trying to not look at my bank account because I knew the numbers weren't going to add up when it was time to pay up for both of the rents. Now I don't have to sell naked pictures of me anymore (well, unless you want to buy me a new computer?) to make rent. I kid, I kid.

Due to the graphic nature of this post, reader discretion is advised

2008-01-30T08:39:00.000-05:00

Someone please tell me how it is possible to bleed profusely for more than a week without...
a) dying
b) depleting your entire blood supply
c) killing someone?

Anyone?

Yeah, I haven't figured that out yet. Apparently, my doctor thinks I'm overreacting when I told her how much pain I have when Aunt Flo decides to visit for TEN DAYS. I should make an appointment with her today just to punch her in her face and then demand pain killers because Midol is like popping Cheerios... minus the cheer.

Broke... in more ways than one

2008-01-30T00:22:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the lack of posts. I've found myself still spending more time over at flickr, but also being busy as well. This weekend was packed with things to do, and I found myself away from my computer more than being on it. I also found my computer to be half dead this morning... which I am not happy about at all! I was thinking the other day (and this is karma getting me for something I'm sure) about how surprised I was to still have my computer working considering how old it is... I got it as a freshman in college... so that's 6 years ago. I tried turning it on today and it took a few times to boot it up. It started working and then promptly shut off in the middle of me doing something and then after that... kaput! I either get weird symbols on the screen or just the ever-so-unpleasant blank screen. I'm kind of wondering how I'm going to get off all the stuff that I want saved... including the naked pictures. This might be slightly entertaining. If I don't get it working I'm going to be stuck using Cop's POS... which is younger than mine, but also slower. If only I had a money tree growing out back so I could get a brand new sleek looking laptop... but that's not going to happen any time soon since I'm not going to make rent this month. Seriously, when does all of this money shit start to turn upwards? I figured it would be after college, but so far? Not so much. I guess I will need to keep up the naked picture taking or else they're going to shut off the electricity on us.

(that was a joke)

(sort of)

Not forgotten

2008-01-24T22:46:00.000-05:00

I feel like I have deserted my poor blog. I didn't... I just... found.. someone else!
I have been addicted to flickr for the past week or so. I think its great! I've always wanted to join the whole flickr parade, but ever since my camera's picture taking button decided to abandon ship on a snowy mountain 4 years ago, I've been without a camera. I finally bought myself one after the holidays and now I can't get enough of it. So go over there if you want to see more of me (a whole lot more!) because I'll be there!

As for me stuff... well, I got yelled at by my doctor yesterday, who I didn't really like in the first place, so that just added on top of the stuff that I already think she sucks for. I have struggled with an eating disorder for the past 7 years. A lot of it has to do with stress, anxiety, and the need for control... usually when I need those things in my life, I end up not eating. Well, this doctor, whom I've had for about 5 out of those 7 years finally figured out I was anorexic the last time I saw her. Well, I don't even want to give her that much credit... I told her I was. This was in May of last year, where she said she would find me some names of nutritionists, keep in touch with the therapist and psychiatrist I was seeing at the time, and make a follow up appointment with me in a month's time to monitor my weight and also do blood tests to make sure my heart was still pumping and all that stuff. I left the office that day going "oh shit, now what am I going to do?" because I'd figure she'd be on my ass and all, you know, since she's a doctor. This wasn't the case, however. I didn't hear back from her until this November when I got the yearly post card in the mail that said my girly bits needed to be checked.
Anyway, to make a long story short, she basically reamed me out for not following up with her, when clearly she said she would do so with me. being a doctor, I would assume she knows a tiny bit about anorectics and that they find any loop hole possible to escape from people and things who try to help them. Hello? I'm the Loop Hole Queen! After about an hour and a half of meeting with her (why it took that long, I have no idea) she ended the appointment with giving me a shot for HPV (get it, ladies!). I swear she took out her aggression on me by jabbing the needle in extra hard. My damn arm still hurts today and I think its time for me to look for another doc, because this one is apparently out in left field without a glove.

365

2008-01-22T17:16:00.000-05:00

I decided to start my very own 365 over at flickr. I have been wanting to do one for a very long time, but since my old camera decided to pop its own picture taking button off in 2004, I was out of luck. I finally bought another camera this past Christmas and I'm really excited to start my own year long photo thing.
I was seriously thinking about a few resolutions to make for the new year, but the cliche ones that people usually do don't at all appeal to me and on top of that I'm really just not motivated to eat better or get in shape or blah blah. Instead, I decided that I wanted to get back into art. I use to love photography and was pretty good at it (if I do say so myself) but without having a darkroom readily available or $1000 to dish out for a digital camera, I figured I'd try other avenues. I also want to get back into painting, which I haven't yet, but plan on doing so soon. So with all of that said, I felt it would be good for me to commit to something as simple as taking a picture everyday, and yet as hard as taking a picture everyday. Know what I mean? So here I am, all motivated and shit with my brand new 365. Go check it out. I need more flickr friends! (That and I get a little thrill out of knowing people are looking at my pictures... I wonder what Freud would say about that?)

Still perfect!

2008-01-20T19:53:00.001-05:00

I haven't had much to say lately. I guess that's because I finally got back to work after a glorious 3 days off and am actually busy for once. Work this weekend was bad, but I won't even go into it because I don't want the headache that I just coaxed out of my head coming back.
I am delighted that the Patriots are officially in the Superbowl. The game was a close one, but we always pull through. Heh. I know half of the country is in a Patriots-hating state right now, but you know what? You're just pissed that your team has either lost to them already, or will lose to them next week! Can you say 18 and 0?? Booya!

Did I ever mention I'm one of those obnoxious Boston-loving Masshole sports fan? I don't think I did. Well, I am.

I love the Patriots, I've always have, even in the days of Bledsoe and they sucked hardcore. Although, I must admit it is kind of hard to remember those days.. we've been good for so long. I'm also a huge Red Sox fan. You just wait until spring training. I'll save the Yankee-hating smack-talking then.

Until then, I'm going to go uncork some wine and ponder our Superbowl greatness.

Fresh and tender little children

2008-01-16T11:05:00.000-05:00

After Monday, these past few days have been pre-tty boring. I was supposed to go to Florida early on Tuesday morning, but to make a long and aggravating story short, I ended up not needing to go. It wasn't a pleasurable trip, so it's ok with me. But, since it was so last minute and I had to call out of work for a couple days and skip my weekly trip up to Maine to volunteer, I have absolutely nothing to do until Friday morning. I'm not complaining, at all, because I've really needed the time off and after moving and being so busy with work and other things, it's actually quite odd to have nothing planned for 3 consecutive days. The only thing I've got to keep me entertained is Stink, who is in desperate need of a bath. I might take her to the park and let her run around in the snow for a while, she usually likes that, but I'm afraid she's going to take off and there's no getting her back once that happens. I used to do the whole "Oh, ok! Fine! I'm leaving then!" and turn around and walk away, but even that doesn't work anymore. The last time I was at the park there was a herd of little people running around and Stink definitely had her eye on a couple of them (see picture). I had to bribe her with so many treats to stay in the field that her gas was noxious for the next few days. I don't know if I can handle that again.

Death of a Necklace

2008-01-14T19:34:00.001-05:00

DSC00247
Originally uploaded by Stink Poop

I ended up finding all of my precious diamonds after 4 hours of searching. I didn't take a picture of the entire basket of shredded paper spread out all over the floor because it was just a little too much to deal with at the time. Take a look at my flickr account to see what's left of my necklace. I'm going to go look up my insurance policy, and while I'm it I might as well post an ad on craig's list because I am definitely the girl you want if you ever need to find a needle in a damn haystack!!!

Proof of how much of a moron I actually am

2008-01-14T09:33:00.000-05:00

I am having one of the worst days... ever. I decided this at 7:15am, which is not a good sign. I'm pretty sure karma is out to get me, although I haven't quite figured out why. Maybe that'll come later.

Over the weekend I managed to lose a ring that Cop gave me several years ago. It was white gold and had a diamond surrounded by two deep blue stones, I'm not sure what they were, but blue is my favorite color. On top of the niceness of the ring, Cop designed it himself, which has left me feeling completely guilty and shitty for losing it in the first place. Normally, I only take rings off for two reasons: if I put lotion on or if my hands are wet. Sometimes I'll take them off and leave them somewhere for a little while, but I have two, and if they're together, it usually means I just forgot to put them back on. This time, however, I realized I didn't have my ring on when I was in the shower, and the other one.. which only costs like $10 and although I like it, I would have felt a lot less shitty if I lost it instead... was still on my other hand. Not good.
So I spent the majority of Sunday looking for it around the house, but for the life of me, I can't remember when I had it on last, so I have no idea where it could be. I'm thinking either Stink ate it or its in a drain somewhere, but I'm still hoping its stuck in some stupid place where I'll find it and tell myself how much of a dumbass I really am.

So that wasn't actually the point of this post. The point was my shitty day. The losing of the ring just made me feel so much more guilty and retarded with what happened this morning.

Here it goes...

I showered yesterday and took off my new necklace that the Cop gave me for Christmas. It is one of those pretty (and expensive) Kay necklaces. The only reason I took it off was because I was talking to a co-worker the other day that said "you should never wear necklaces in the shower or when you're sleeping because it breaks them faster". Well guess what? She was wrong. It broke a lot fucking faster!! This morning the Cop jumped in the shower so I quickly jumped out of the bathroom so my hair wouldn't curl. I grabbed my makeup bag and necklace so I could finish getting ready for work in the spare bedroom. Upon entering the said bedroom, I put my makeup down on the desk, which made the necklace fall out of my hand and into the paper shredder. Yes, the paper shredder. Yes, INTO it. So there I was saying, "oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!" to myself and trying to assess the situation. I assessed the situation HORRIBLY! I thought, if I grabbed the necklace part that I could quickly pull it out of the metal necklace killer without any harm done.

Nope.

Instead, the goddamn mother fucking piece of crap shredder TURNED ON and completely swallowed my necklace. At this point I nearly shit myself, and thought, for a brief second, of throwing my face into the shredder just for shits and giggles. I prayed to everything Holy that the necklace (or should I say the diamond pendant part) just fell through the cracks without any damage.

Nope.

The first piece of necklace I found was a crushed and empty mounty thing. No diamond. At this point I started crying. Because, well, what else was I going to do? I dumped half of the shreds of paper on the floor (did I mention the shredder was full?) and started sifting through the tiny scraps of paper. I managed to find three out of the four diamonds, all of which were still in their little claspy mounty things, but the others are still unaccounted for. This all happened at 6:30 in the morning, so I only had a limited time to search. I threw Stink out of the room, put everything back into the container, and shut the door to the room.

This shit only really happens to me. Who else would, in their right mind, try to grab something out of a thing that can cause a vast amount of damage in such a little time without UNPLUGGING it first?! I've been at work for 2 and a half hours and cannot stop kicking myself in the ass. I feel terrible... and retarded. Yeah, pretty fucking retarded.

So, guess what I'm doing after work today?

Meh.

Indulgence

2008-01-13T11:44:00.000-05:00

For the past few years I make my way over Post Secret every Sunday to view the week's newest secrets. I have yet to send one in, although I have thought about it, but overall I think it is an awesome site that is sometimes hilarious and other times heartbreaking. Check it out if you haven't done so already.

Too lazy for my own good

2008-01-13T11:16:00.000-05:00

I've been completely exhausted the last few days. I was at work on Friday trying to figure out how to make it through the day after I had already had 2 cups of coffee, couldn't keep my eyes open, and it was only 7:45am. That was just a sign that the remainder of the day was going to go by so slow that I would eventually want to scratch my retinas out just to bang out of work early.
My laziness factor has been out of control lately. Usually its there, in the background going, "do you REALLY want to take out the trash?" and I can stand my ground and tell it to shut the hell up as I go about my chores or whatever it is that I'm attempting to be lazy with. Friday night I ended up "sleeping" (it was a half-ass sleep filled with uncomfortableness and tight spaces) on the couch with Stink because I was too lazy to get my ass into bed. Its not that it would involve that much, maybe 20 steps? I could skip the shower and the teeth brushing, which I did anyway, and lay in a nice, big empty bed with me and Le Stink. But no, my laziness got the best of me and I had the worst sleep every and a backache to go with it in the morning. Which, of course carried over into yesterday... when I had to wake up and wait for the cable guy at 8am. I found myself sleep walking/talking to the guy trying to say what the problem was and yet, not really making any full sentences. After he left I took a three hour nap but it still didn't get rid of my headache that was an obvious sign from my body saying, "get more sleep you asshole!" and maybe "stop drinking all that wine you wino!".
Today... Oh, today. Today is a new day. I was up by 10:30 (I did just realizing that its now 11:30 and I have no idea how the hell that happened), fed the dog, sat on the computer... thought about maybe showering.. hmm.. Oh! I folded some clothes too! So there, I am already off to a good start. I am finding it rather funny that the Cop wants me to move a dryer with him to our new apartment. I just don't understand how that's going to happen. Here's a little tidbit about me, I'm tiny and have no muscle strength whatsoever. If you want to enter me into a contest for someone who produces the smallest splash off of a diving board, I'm your girl! If you want me to help move large and heavy objects, like dryers, you might as well have 911 on speed dial because I know I'm going to end up with that fucker on my stomach and I'm going to be pissed.

That's just... inppropriate

2008-01-10T21:16:00.000-05:00

I had the easiest day at work today. I must admit, sometimes its great, and other times we have so many suicidal and loony patients that it makes the day crawl by. The worst is on the weekends, when I'm forced to work evening shifts. It goes one way or the other; its either quiet and boring, or the shit hits the fan and everyone freaks out. I have yet to figure out why it happens that way, but I will let you know as soon as I figure it out.
As a part of therapy, we drive patients out into the "real world" to do their exposures to have them face what they are afraid of when we're not able to provide it on the unit. Today I went to Barnes and Noble and sat there for an hour and a half with a grande non-fat vanilla latte and Augusten Burroughs's new book, Possible Side Effects. I sat there by myself while my patient did his thing and tried not to look mental myself. I got to one chapter where he talked about a dog he had while he was in the midst of being a raging alcoholic who he named KittyKitty, which is really humorous all in itself.
Have you ever had a fit of uncontrollable laughter at the most inappropriate time? Yeah, that was me today. Surrounded by strangers, trying to look all normal and shit, and laughing my ass off... uncontrollably. I'm talking loud bursts of laughter that included snorts and heaves. I don't know what got to me, but I found the chapter absolutely hilarious and I was unable to stop. Thankfully my patient didn't come up to check in with me during my fit of laughter, but it would have been funny nonetheless... me sitting there having a ball while he's in the midst of his anxiety trying not to freak out. I love that I can pop an ativan before I go do those things and watch people sit with their anxiety until it comes down on its own. Silly patients.

When therapy backfires

2008-01-08T22:09:00.000-05:00

I figured it would be of interest to introduce you to what I do for work. I recently went to Mexico with a co-worker and whenever we told anyone what we did the first comment we got was "oh, I know someone..."

I work at a mental hospital with mental people. Specifically with OCD (which will now be referred to as 0CD). 0CD is commonly thought of as people who wash their hands too much. That is, obviously, a large part of what I deal with... contamination, germs, phobias... all that good stuff. What most people don't know about 0CD is the other "parts" to it. Intrusive thoughts, BDD, other things that I can't think of right now... there's a whole spectrum of disorders that can be classified under 0CD.

I find intrusive thoughts rather interesting. Everyone has them, however, some people tend to take them a little more seriously and therefore obsess over them, which is where the 0CD comes from. Intrusive thoughts are thoughts that an individual has about sexual or violent themes. Killing your grandmother with a broken beer bottle? Yup. Sexually molesting farm animals? Yup. Thinking your walking on babies as you walk down the hallway? Unfortunately, yes. Intrusive thoughts I think are one of the scariest aspects of 0CD. They are, however, the most fun to treat.
In order to treat someone with OCD we "expose" them to their fear stimuli. Whether that be germs, reading scripts of harming people, or having them insult you because they're terrified of insulting people and therefore being seen as a "bad" person. I once had someone come up to me, out of nowhere because I didn't know what was going on, and tell me to "stop drinking your coffee you stupid bitch" and walk away like nothing was said. That is just one example of what I do on an everyday basis.
This next example is, however, one of my favorites. I was working with a patient who had a fear of stabbing people. Now, I get it, normally people say WHY would you give them a knife if they think they're going to stab someone? Well, the answer is this: with 0CD they really won't do it because they're terrified of harming people. Good to know, right?
So here I was, maybe 3 months into my job, when I found myself working with this rather large and crazy looking woman. She had a fear of cutting people. Naturally this meant I had to expose her to what she feared. There I was, naive, new to the job, and thinking I was ready to dive right in... I was sitting at the dining room table with her and she was holding my hand up like a slab of chicken and taking a knife and making cutting motions, sometimes touching my skin. This was enough to make me want to run down the hall screaming, but I held my composure and told myself to suck it up. It wasn't until I started making lunch with her, again, holding my hand like a piece of chicken and saying over and over under her breath, "I'm going to cut you up" as I stir a pot of mozzarella sauce that I'm making for lunch.
I'm not sure if it was the redness of the sauce or the way she was holding my hand up by my thumb and making cutting motions like my hand was a piece of raw meat that got me... probably a little bit of both, but it took all of 30 seconds of me looking between my hand and the sauce and her crazy eyes to get light headed enough to almost puke and pass out right in front of her. It took all of my self control to carefully put down the ladle, tell her that she was doing a great job, and excuse myself to use the rest room in order to not fall, hit my head on the counter, and hit my face on the ground. 10 more seconds of doing the exposure and that's exactly what would have happened. Thankfully I made it out in time and told my boss that I was going to puke and pass out and therefore needed to take my 30 minute break. He was nice enough to bring me a bucket and check on my patient as I dry heaved in the back office.
I've always been good at timing things just right!

New Stuff in the New Year

2008-01-08T20:01:00.000-05:00

Before the end of 2007, I was desperately looking for some way to change my life in a positive way. I was stuck in a relationship with a Crazy Girl and to make a long story short, it was in no way a positive, fun thing to do. I was slowly limited to what I could do, who I could spend my time with, and what types of things I could have fun with. Any fun was only allowed when the said Crazy Girl was still at work or away for the weekend.
I decided before calling it off with her that I wanted to get back into art. I used to do a lot of it in high school and then in college. I took a liking to black and white photography, which I feel as if I'm pretty good at. I also have talent with ceramics and pottery and painting as well. Unfortunately I don't have access or the money to any of the pottery stuff, so I decided to get back into the photography and painting, something that I've adored for a very long time but didn't allow myself to get back into it, mainly because I had no motivation to do anything fun or creative when I had someone holding me on a tight leash that wasn't long enough to open a paint bottle in the apartment, never mind drive to the store and actually buy the paints.
I now find myself in a position where I have the space, physically and mentally, and the time to start some projects again. I'm very much into abstract painting and am eager to get some new paints to get going. Ideally, I would love to have a side business to sell my art... but I'm not going to put all of my cookies in that basket... It would just be cool to do, mainly to make space for more paintings.
I feel somewhat motivated and excited that I actually got this blog up and running again, which was also on my list of things to do. So, hopefully, when I'm able to scrape up the money for some paints I'll get that going too. Until then, I'm going to crack open a nice bottle of wine and watch some kick ass HDTV since we finally got our cable and internet (woo!) turned on today.

It starts... again.

2008-01-08T18:46:00.001-05:00

I'm glad you found your way over to my blog. Here's the deal, I've been here and I've done this before. Some of you may remember me a few years ago as Statia's cousin, Crusty, Small Fry, or Crusty Fry. I kept myself and maybe one or two other people mildly amused while I was in college with my blog. Unfortunately, life happened and crustyfrenchfries.com as I knew it turned into some weirdo food website that no longer has anything to do with the crustiness I brought to it.

So here I am, a few years later giving it another go. I have always liked writing, but it got to the point where I was too busy overworking myself with school, internships, partying, and not taking care of myself to pay attention to my blog. Now, two out of four of those things are no longer a problem (school and internships) and I've added a few more things to throw in there just for shits and giggles. I figured I spend endless amounts of time on the internet doing absolutely nothing, so I might as well do something that someone may get a kick out of at one point or another.

A few things have changed rather rapidly for me since college graduation... which I am sure will make for some good posts:
- Broke up with The Cop, who I had been dating for 5 years
- Graduated college with high hopes in a career and outlook in life
- Decided to become a lesbian for a little while and quickly settled into a relationship and a new apartment
- Worked at Victoria's Secret
- Finally found a job at a psychiatric hospital, aka the Crazy House
- This is that weird middle place where nothing really happened, just a bunch of random shit, but at the end of this point I realized I made a huge mistake to become a lesbian with a Crazy Girl and decided to get back together with The Cop
- About a month ago I broke it off with the Crazy Girl, moved in with The Cop, got a dog that I shall name Stink, and moved into yet another apartment with said Cop and Stink

That brings me to present day. Needless to say, I have a lot going on in life. My job is an awesome job that allows for some completely outrageous stories that I will no doubt share with you time and time again. Stink is a puppy who is full of surprises, like projectile vomiting all over my bed at 3 in the morning. And the Cop, well, he has a blog of his own, so go see him. He also has OCD, which is what I treat, so you can see where that is going...